Dear Damn Baby

If you've not seen the movie The Waitress, I highly recommend it.  It's about, well, a waitress with a no-good husband and an unplanned pregnancy.  Throughout the movie, the main character (played beautifully by Keri Russell) composes "Dear baby" letters in her head.  When life is particularly rotten, it's "dear damn baby".  Now that Danielle and I are entering our third year of the baby trying/ infertility process, I've been writing some "dear damn baby letters" of my own.  Here are a few.

Dear Damn Baby,
This is your mother speaking.  Listen, we've spent all of our savings trying to get you here, and I suggest you start cooperating soon.  You're already coming home from the hospital in a 1996 Corolla.  If you don't want to drive that car to high school, you'd better get yourself here.  And if you hold out much longer, you will be taking a segway to school.  And no one will make out with you in the back of a segway.
Please make a good decision.
Love,
Mama


Dear Damn Baby,
Would you rather be named "scholarship" or "Pell grant"? 
Thanks for your feedback,
Mama


Dear Damn Baby,
We need a new roof.  Could use your help in this matter.
Love,
Mama
p.s. The plumbing is gone to shit, too.


Dear Damn Baby,
Don't make me put you in hand-me-downs for the rest of your life.  Sure, it's all well and good when you're a baby, but you may feel differently when you're the only kid in your middle school wearing Hammer pants.  This is not a threat.
Hugs,
Mama

Dear Damn Baby,
We are treating the dog like she's our first-born.  She hates those little doggie outfits, but we break down and buy them when we're feeling particularly child-deprived.  Your mommy even holds her like a baby, which just causes the poor pooch to scowl and tuck her tail.  If you don't get yourself born soon, I am afraid we will be one of those weirdos pushing a baby stroller... with a dog in it.
Please do the humane thing,
Mama

Dear Damn Baby,
Every time I see a pregnant woman smoking, I want to kick her in the belly.  Multiple times.  While cursing a blue streak.  My resolve is wearing down.  Get here now, or you may find yourself being born in prison.  And you don't want to wind up in the foster care system; trust me on this one.
Just a suggestion,
Mama

Dear Damn Baby,
We are considering naming you Prius since that's what we could've bought with what we've spent in medical bills so far.  And I mean the nice new one that has more room.  Believe me: when you see what kind of car you could have come home in, you are going to shit yourself.  (Who am I kidding?  You're going to shit yourself anyway because you will be incontinent the first 2 or so years of your life.) 
Just remember this: if it gets to the point where we could name you Lexus LX, I am going to start garnishing your allowance.
Think on it,
Mama

And a final word:

Dear Damn Baby,
If you are reading this, first of all, congratulations!  You are a great reader!  If you can read, you should be old enough to have realized that I am full of shit and that this whole correspondence is a load of bunk.  Here is the only part that is true: if you find yourself going through a dark time in your life (which you will, as much as I'd love to shield you from it), please arm yourself with an equally dark sense of humor.  It may be just the thing to see you through.  Take it from someone who knows.
With love,
Mama
p.s. If you want to get a job when you are in high school, I would be totally okay with that.