Sunday, January 22, 2012

The REAL Gay Agenda

Perhaps you’ve heard the term “gay agenda” thrown around by members of the far right to express the need to block the progress of civil rights for the GLBT community.  Some speak of the gay agenda as if it were some thick document of mores and how-tos for overturning heterosexual marriage and casting our country back into the good ol’ days of Sodom and Gomorrah.  However, in our 8 years of being out lesbians, we have never received any propaganda or paperwork informing us of any such agenda.  Perhaps our copy got lost in the mail or we never got listed in the Registery of Gay People, but we're beginning to suspect that there is no such thing as the gay agenda.
To set the record straight, we’d like to propose a more realistic version of the gay agenda.
GAY AGENDA: Weekday Version
6:00  Wake up and hit snooze.
6:05  Grumble and hit snooze again.  If it is Monday, insert a curse word into the routine.
6:10  Get up and get dressed.  Bump into furniture because your eyes are not yet fully open.
6:15  Start the cars so they can defrost, and let the dog out.  Pray that she will choose to do her business outdoors instead of leaving a surprise indoors.
6:30-7:00 Begin the blur of turn signals, coffee, and NPR’s Morning Edition some would call the morning commute.  Congratulate yourself on being able to operate a vehicle before sunrise.  However, do not congratulate yourself TOO much because you have spilled coffee down the front of your sweater.
7:00-4:30  Work.  Feel a little part of your soul die.
4:30-5:00  Drive home.  Realize that the effects of coffee have worn off a long time ago.
5:00-5:30  Convene the nightly Meeting of the Indecisive Minds.   Play out a script that goes something like this:
Partner 1: What do you want to have for dinner?
Partner 2: I don’t know.  I don’t really have a taste for anything in particular.
Partner 1:  Guess we could use the stuff that’s going to go bad soon.
Partner 2: Ugh.  That doesn’t really sound good tonight. (pauses)  Hey, want to go out to eat?
Partner 1: I am tired of always going to the same restaurants.  Nothing sounds good to me.
Partner 2: Well, we do live in a small town.  We just don’t have as many options.
Partner 1: Tell me about it.  (Thinks for a moment.)  Do you want to heat up the pizza in the freezer?
Partner 2:  I would rather have vegetables.
This could go on for quite some time.
5:30-6:00  Decide on fixing breakfast for dinner.
6:00-8:00  Clean up, do laundry, and watch tv.
8:00  Decide to watch just one more episode of West Wing.  (Thank you, Netflix!)
8:45  Watch another West Wing.
9:30  What the heck?  If we watch the last West Wing on the disk, we can put it back in the mail to Netflix and get our next disc sooner.  We are getting more value from our rental plan this way.
10:15  Shower and put on pj’s.
10:30 Read in bed until your eyes get heavy.  Make a promise to each other that you’ll go to bed earlier tomorrow night.

Rinse and repeat.

1 comment:

  1. I don't see hanging out with me anywhere on this agenda! I am so glad we are going to fix that this week :)